Dish of the Day

Ondokuz Mayıs University (OMU) Faculty of Education academic Assoc. Prof. Dr. Meryem Batık Vural stated that the most fundamental need in marriage and relationships is “to be seen, understood, and feel safe,” emphasizing that relationships are strengthened not by grand gestures but by small, everyday actions.

Sharing notable evaluations based on her studies on marriage and romantic relationships, Dr. Batık Vural stated that relationships are strengthened through small emotional investments in daily life rather than grand gestures. She also noted that young people have difficulty forming long-term relationships due to digital culture, impatience, and attachment styles.

“Relationships are strengthened not by grand gestures, but by small, everyday actions”

Sharing insights from her research on marriage and romantic relationships, Dr. Batık Vural said: “The most fundamental needs individuals have in relationships are to be seen, heard, understood, and to feel safe within the relationship. However, many couples struggle to express these needs and to understand their partner’s emotions. At this point, John Gottman’s long-term marriage research also points to a similar conclusion. According to Gottman, the formula for happy relationships is the ‘Sound Relationship House’ model, which is based on couples knowing each other’s inner worlds, forming emotional bonds, feeling safe, being able to manage rather than eliminate conflicts, and functioning as a team within the relationship. These skills can be learned and developed. Relationships do not strengthen on their own; they grow through conscious effort and relationship skills. Therefore, partners make significant investments in their relationship by seeing, hearing, and trying to understand one another. These investments become the most important resources during difficult times. Relationships are strengthened not by grand gestures, but by small, everyday actions.”

“Marriage does not eliminate problems; it often makes them more visible”

Referring to TÜİK 2025 data indicating an increase in divorce rates, Dr. Batık Vural stated: “One in three marriages ends within the first five years, and one in five marriages ends within the first 6–10 years. The idea that ‘things will improve after marriage’ or ‘they will change over time’ is not supported by research. Marriage does not eliminate problems; it often makes them more visible. Studies show that couples who experience intense doubts before marriage tend to face more problems and have higher divorce rates. In particular, women who experience doubts before marriage have a significantly higher tendency toward divorce. Even if doubts are experienced before marriage, couples who spend time together, create dedicated couple time, and establish open communication report higher marital satisfaction, and those who receive premarital counseling form the group with the highest levels of marital satisfaction.”

“Relationship satisfaction decreases and conflicts increase after having a baby”

Stating that their academic studies on relationship dependency, romantic relationship dynamics, and gender roles indicate that individuals expect more equality, personal space, and emotional satisfaction in relationships, Dr. Batık Vural said: “Couples who are caught between traditional expectations and modern relationship expectations may experience role conflicts. The early years of marriage are often a period in which roles diversify with the transition to parenthood. Research shows that adding a baby to the family decreases couple harmony and relationship satisfaction and increases conflicts. In my research, it was also found that psychoeducation provided to expectant parents to improve their relationship has a protective effect on marital satisfaction. There are many studies demonstrating the effectiveness of interventions that support adaptation during periods of major change within the family.”

“Indicators that support should be sought”

Emphasizing that couples in many societies do not immediately seek professional support, Dr. Batık Vural stated: “Gottman’s research shows that couples wait an average of six years after problems begin before seeking couple therapy. Seeking support earlier leads to better outcomes; when delayed, problems may become intractable. Indicators that couples should seek counseling include: conflicts becoming destructive, difficulty in communication, increasing emotional distance, feelings of loneliness within the relationship, reduced sexual intimacy, inability to cope with stress related to work, friendships, extended family, and health issues, feeling unfairness in parenting, power distribution, and division of responsibilities, and difficulty coping with relationship problems caused by conditions such as depression, anxiety, and obsessive tendencies in partners.”

“Young people are afraid of disappointment or making the wrong choice”

Drawing attention to the fact that many young people fear being hurt, experiencing disappointment, or making the wrong choice in relationships, Dr. Batık Vural stated: “TÜİK 2025 data show that the number of marriages has decreased, the average age at first marriage has increased to 28 for men and 26 for women, and the rate of having children has declined. The decrease in marriage and fertility rates cannot be explained solely by economic reasons. Although economic conditions are an important factor delaying marriage decisions, they are not the only explanation. There are many social and psychological factors involved. Today, developmental stages in children and young people are prolonged, adolescence ends later, and adulthood begins later. In addition, we observe that individuals’ views and expectations regarding marriage have diversified. People today want to marry not only to marry or have children, but to establish emotionally fulfilling relationships. If trust, emotional closeness, and respect are not present in a relationship, the tendency to postpone or avoid marriage increases.”

Conditions for happy and long-term relationships

Regarding the conditions for happy and long-term relationships, Dr. Batık Vural stated: “There may be several important reasons why today’s young people have difficulty forming long-term relationships. First, digital culture and fast consumption habits may create impatience in relationships, leading people to overlook that relationships require effort and patience. Second, a lack of conflict management skills, an essential ability for relationship continuity according to Gottman's couple therapy. Third, past relationship experiences and attachment styles. According to Imago Relationship Therapy, people often try to compensate for unmet emotional needs from childhood in their relationships. When these needs go unrecognized, recurring conflicts may arise in relationships. In our research, when we examine the impact of attachment styles on romantic relationships, we observe that individuals with high avoidant attachment tendencies may approach long-term relationships more distantly. At this point, Gottman’s research provides the essential conditions for happy and long-term relationships: being good friends with each other, being able to manage conflicts and feel safe even during disagreements, and being able to share each other’s dreams.”